Conclusion?

Ce soir c'est rough. J'ai le coeur à bout. Essouflé. Vidé. Il a tant travaillé dans les dernières 72 heures.
J'ai fait du vélo comme une dingue. En fonçant comme une flèche toujours vers l'avant. Pour laisser derrière les obstacles qui nous barrent le chemin, nous ralentissent, nous nuisent.
Je me suis touchée pour ressentir un peu de plaisir. C'est fou comme le sexe dans la douleur est (étrangement) extra. Pour le soupir qu'on pousse juste après l'orgasme. Tention relâchée (pour quelques minutes).
J'ai pleuré des torrents. Ce soir il pleut. J'ai fumé un joint sur ma galerie en écoutant la pluie tomber sur le toit. L'eau coulait aussi des coins de mes yeux. C'est essouflant pleurer. Ça en demande au coeur.
J'ai eu des crises existentielles fracassantes. Je me suis posée mille et une questions sur le sens de cette relation, sur ce que j'y apportait (ou pas), ce que j'en retirais, qu'en serait-il plus tard? Toutes les réponses me menaient à la séparation...et pourtant, ce soir, j'ai envie de lui dire ceci:
" I have been honest with you since the beggining. I am the same person you have know and felt in love with than I am now. But I'm in a different environment then when we met. In my place, with my friends, my places  to go. I'm good right now, I enjoy the time I spend with them cause I know that when you'll be there, I want to spend the most possible time with you. I had decided to make this commitment without telling you cause I wanted to wait and see where it was all going. Then you changed your environment too and changed in small things. But you weren't exactly the guy I have known. But I knew that when we'll be reunited everything would be great. One beside another. We could have. But things turned in a bad way.
I have thought about all the things that could have been changed. So many things. But eh! it happened the way it did, we both said it: we wished things went different. Well now we'll have to live with this for a long time. Wondering how it could have been if everything we told each other really happened? But it won't. So I'll stop questionning myself. To "turn the page" like they say. It won't be easy.
I love you, even if I have hated you a couple time this week-end. You brought a lot to me, you opened my eyes on a lot of things in life. I hope you'll retain something good from me. I will release you, maybe our roads will meet again in the future. I will remember you for all my life. You're in my heart. My heart that just released a little bit of it's pain tonight for telling you all this."